For Paul
I light a candle today not for a pumpkin though that is what I love to do, but for Paul my cousin.
Two years today I was stood looking at the autumn leaves fall it was Halloween, we were just slowing the car as we had spied Tintern Abbey, we stopped to take photos when my phone rang, it was my cousin in Ireland ringing to tell me our cousin Paul had died, the awful stop of heart that he had taken his own life.
My thoughts of Halloween dropped as swiftly as the leaves around me, looking across the river to Tintern. I wiped the pictures off the camera of that beautiful place, I could not bear to look at them.
Paul had been the happy go lucky cousin I remembered. My memories of him giving me a back around a field on a motorbike, his love of horses and his always telling a joke, laughing and a twinkle in his eye.
The last time I saw him not long before at my Nanny's funeral, it was not any different, he was full of life, laughter and not a clue to the pain he may have been carrying.
But does anybody know this, you cannot see it, I believe most of us feel, that its considered weak to admit you are depressed. 'Pull yourself together', 'keep your chin up'
If you are hiding a pain, then you are actually strong especially if you are here reading this, how do I know, because I hid mine too.
I myself suffered terribly in my teens and twenties, I thought about ending my pain often, had a few attempts, the last one a very close run thing. I had the image of Granny, my faithful dog and a little girl who adored me in my head, how would she feel the woman who was always there for me, the child not understanding, my gorgeous dog, who followed me everywhere, she would pine.
Now I could not at that time, even pick another family member, best friend of which I had a good few, who would or could not cope and move on.
I really struggled to see a purpose in life, the pain was unbearable, engulfing me, consuming. I was lucky I saw saviours who are to this day unaware. One I now care for so my purpose in life is seen. I married, had my babies, decided to do a foundation in counselling which actually was self help for me, putting to rest doubts, low self esteem, black moments. I can count my blessings now, but some people cannot find one life blessing right this minute, this second.
I am hoping this says something to one person, makes a difference, you may have even spoken to somebody and still feel its not helping, on medication that does not take it all away. Please please keep looking, it can be managed.
I know its Halloween and that is fun, spooky and scary, but what is more scary is the depression, loneliness and pain some people are going through. In memory of my cousin Paul who took his life two years ago today, I am sharing today, thanks to Paul's sister who has ran, fought and spoken to help put light and hope into others darkness, who says there has been enough pain and loss.
Hope this speaks to people who think its all too painful, to those who have lost loved ones how depression grips and to those who are blessed with never having suffered its curse, a little insight.
You may be very clear that you want to die, you may be harming yourself by cutting, biting or burning your body, if you are take a read here.
Conor Cusack, an Irish sportsperson who talks about his depression, bullying and on his blog 'Depression is a friend, not my enemy' does this much more amazingly than myself. He is very honest and insightful, really knows the pain and what fellow sufferers may be feeling.http://ccusack111.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/depression-is-friend-not-my-enemy_28.html
The youtube linky is here too to hear him talk in person about his years of battling.
Further help below including Console who have a great website and huge link list to other help. The below text is taken from their website, thanks to Tim for talking to me.
Suicidal thinking is usually associated with problems that can be treated
Clinical depression, anxiety disorders, chemical dependency, and other disorders produce profound emotional distress. They also interfere with effective problem-solving. But you need to know that studies show that the vast majority of people who receive appropriate treatment improve or recover completely. Even if you have received treatment before, you should know that different treatments work better for different people in different situations. Several tries are sometimes necessary before the right combination is found.
Taken from Console
National Self Harm Network
0800 622 6000
(7pm-11pm Thursday-Saturday, 6.10pm-10.30pm Sunday)
I know its Halloween and that is fun, spooky and scary, but what is more scary is the depression, loneliness and pain some people are going through. In memory of my cousin Paul who took his life two years ago today, I am sharing today, thanks to Paul's sister who has ran, fought and spoken to help put light and hope into others darkness, who says there has been enough pain and loss.
Hope this speaks to people who think its all too painful, to those who have lost loved ones how depression grips and to those who are blessed with never having suffered its curse, a little insight.
You may be very clear that you want to die, you may be harming yourself by cutting, biting or burning your body, if you are take a read here.
Conor Cusack, an Irish sportsperson who talks about his depression, bullying and on his blog 'Depression is a friend, not my enemy' does this much more amazingly than myself. He is very honest and insightful, really knows the pain and what fellow sufferers may be feeling.http://ccusack111.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/depression-is-friend-not-my-enemy_28.html
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